About The Scarlett Kite
Hi! I'm Scarlett Kiteway, I'm 20 years old, a journalism student in Perplex City and this is my blog all about the excitement over the search for the Cube. I'll be keeping track of what the media over there is saying about it, and maybe a little bit about my life as well!
Previous Entry
Next Entry
Monday, January 15, 2007
I'm sorry
Category: me, 01:09 PM
There's this nightmare I have, over and over and over. I'm walking in some kind of maze. There's not much light, or the light is flickering, and I'm afraid, just afraid all the time. There's someone following me. Or is it that I'm following them? I can't tell. The lights flicker on and off and I know that they're going to catch me soon. Or maybe I'll catch them and that would be worse, so much so very much worse. And then the lights go off, and it's dark, and I know that they're in the room with me, right there. In a moment I'll feel their breath on my neck. And then I wake up screaming. I've been doing that a lot.
I can't explain what's happened to me, not really. Violet's been so kind, I've never seen her like this before. When I wake up in the middle of the night, and they tell me that I was shouting or screaming, and Caine brings me warm milk and Vi strokes my hair it's like... I think it's like my mother. As much as I can remember. And I know they love me, and I know they want to help, and I trust them, I really do, but I can't feel it. I can't feel anything much, sometimes. Only afraid, and alone. And I think back to the person I was this time last year: travelling, having adventures, excited by new destinations. I can't even believe it was me. I feel like I've always been sad and afraid. It's the Academy Ball this evening and I can't go, I don't want to be around all those people. I don't even leave the house that much anymore. All the time, I feel like something awful's about to happen. Just around the corner, just out of sight.
I hate this, I hate it. I wanted to be able to tell you how I'd spent the past months researching and investigating, and getting closer to finally solving all these mysteries. And some days I feel like that Scarlett, sometimes for a few hours put together and I think: I can do this, this is me again. And then I remember that I'm not that person anymore. I'm someone new, and this is who I am, who I'll always be. I'm a person who killed someone. Before I ever really fell in love, before I learned to waterski, before I finished college, before I tried eating swordfish, before I got married or had children. Before all that stuff that regular people do, I killed someone. I don't know who I am anymore.